Throwback Style

July 8, 2010

in Personal

I’ve been going down Internets Memory Lane. Reading my old blog entries from 2003. I miss my old blog. I miss my old blogging style. This here juke joint is weaksauce. Writing in a voice that’s a very sterile version of who I once was online. Writing about some things that have no immediate interest to me. Maybe I need a new blog. Or new blogs. Very much annoyed with a site with my name on it being so wack though. My tumblr is slightly more exciting, definitely more my speed. Except I don’t really write over there. I’m gonna think about blogging about media/tech elsewhere. This here URL should be about me, and more like me.

Anyway.

It’s been a little over a month since I wrote, So. What Are you doing with your life?

Sigh.

The friend I usually ask this question? I just texted her (at 1:30 in the am):

No srsly. What. Am I doing with my life?

Part of our plans were to quit our jobs and move to Atlanta together. Except that’s not really a plan. That’s just something to do because we’re friends.

Me? I was supposed to be working on my Before 30 List. And then that didn’t happen. I had something to complete by June 30th and somewhere around June 15th I realized it wasn’t going to get done. It wasn’t getting done partially because I was ill prepared (even though I spent all of May preparing), partially because my mind couldn’t get “there,” and then partially I think my fears got the best of me. Sometimes when I try to get in the right frame of mind to execute, my thoughts of fear consume me and then I’m freaking paralyzed.

Then I got distracted. The month of June was full of distractions. Oh how I wish I could divulge one of my major distractions here. Because it’s freaking epic. Totally-left-field, out-of-this-world distraction. Distractions I thought would never in a million years ever happen. It’s as if the universe is conspiring against me to make me as distracted as possible. I would care if I knew what it is I am supposed to be focused on. Usually I know I am on the right trail when the distractions come out full force like this. Except the distractions won this time. #Fail.

It’s as if apathy is getting the best of me. I don’t care about anything anymore. I used to care about the kids (but what about the kids?). I don’t. Not today. I think about quitting the Internets and moving to a small town in New Mexico for the rest of my life. The problem is my mother beat me to it and this is currently what she’s doing with her life. Darn it. I would try to work on getting myself one of those boyfriend-things that then turn into husband-things and then we have those children-things, except I have no idea how to go about doing this. There’s no checklist, or instructions. I’m good at following instructions. But a boyfriend? They just appear, it seems. All of a sudden you’re single and then the next moment you’re boo’d up somewhere. That’s how it always happens to me. This lack of control is getting the best of me.

And so here I am. Almost 2 am on a sweltering Manhattan summer night, listening to Tevin Campbell ask Can We Talk. Can we really talk, Tevin? Because I am trying to find the meaning of freaking life right now and it’s not materializing. Let’s talk about that.

Aight. I’m off to read the Bible or something like it. Gotta be some answers in there, no? I guess we’ll find out.

{ 7 comments… read them below or add one }

Tiana July 8, 2010 at 6:46 AM

Well, you know, for me the what the hell am I doing phase didn’t really began until that point in my life when I had no idea what the hell I was doing. I had it all figured out after college, “I’m gonna be a reporter, move to entertainment news, and whatever was going to be in between until I was the next Oprah. Then my life was at a stand still. I had freelancing jobs with no promotion, had no benefits, and for the love of all things that is holy I was (and still is) living with my mother! I cried and I prayed and I got depressed and I was lonely. But I figured out two things during this process, focus and faith in God. Focus because I figured out I could do more than what I aspired to do. Faith because I needed strength to get there and if I ever got there I would tell everyone my story. Your distractions could be a good or bad thing. If you are pursuing your goals and then you get distracted and you have delayed your goals then it’s Satan trying to throw you off. If you’re pursuing your goals and get distracted and you discover something new about yourself or it’s something you can add to your goals then it could be a good thing. The early part of your 20′s was great but the rest is trying to figure out who the hell you are and what the hell are you doing. But we’ll all get there . It’s just a matter of when and how will I share my story with others.

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Liz Burr July 8, 2010 at 11:46 AM

I feel you. I just feel like a bit of a lame for not really knowing what it is I should be doing. I am doing things but…..I just feel like I’m treading water, not making progress towards anything.

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tiffany July 8, 2010 at 7:04 AM

If it makes you feel better — and it probably won’t, but in case it does — this right here is SOOOOOO. NORMAL. And it happens this way right around 25-30. And then if you are lucky, you find some sort of one-third resigned, one-third settled, one-third perfect stride in your 30s. Or not…lol.

In other words, you’re doing fine :-)

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Liz Burr July 8, 2010 at 9:25 AM

LOL! I suppose that helps.

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Tiffany July 8, 2010 at 9:47 AM

i hope things get back on track for you and that you are able to start working on your list again. Trust me, we all have had our plans and watched the time frame that we thought they would be happening pass us by. Everyone thought I would marry first and instead I am the only one that has never married. Just keep working and moving forward, you’ll get there.

Peace, Love and Chocolate
Tiffany

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Tiana July 8, 2010 at 3:56 PM

You would only be a lame if your dream was to become a video hoe, your favorite dance is the Carlton, and date a guy whose only dream is to become the first rapper to start his career in his 40′s. So you’re on the right track, lol. Plus if you have many talents you don’t only have to stick to just doing one. Do what you love…even if it’s doing your favorite dance, the Carlton. :)

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Erica July 16, 2010 at 11:23 AM

Well, now that I’m doing what I thought I should be doing with my life when I graduated from college 10-ish years ago, I do not like it. But I don’t quite know what the next part looks like, so… *shrug*

The good thing is just having this conversation with yourself (and generally getting older and maturing) should help answer the “who am I?” question, even if it doesn’t help answer the “what am I doing?” question.

My old school blog posts look pretty much like my Twitter does now. I haven’t decided if that’s good or bad.

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