Throwback Style

July 8, 2010

in Personal

I’ve been going down Internets Memory Lane. Reading my old blog entries from 2003. I miss my old blog. I miss my old blogging style. This here juke joint is weaksauce. Writing in a voice that’s a very sterile version of who I once was online. Writing about some things that have no immediate interest to me. Maybe I need a new blog. Or new blogs. Very much annoyed with a site with my name on it being so wack though. My tumblr is slightly more exciting, definitely more my speed. Except I don’t really write over there. I’m gonna think about blogging about media/tech elsewhere. This here URL should be about me, and more like me.

Anyway.

It’s been a little over a month since I wrote, So. What Are you doing with your life?

Sigh.

The friend I usually ask this question? I just texted her (at 1:30 in the am):

No srsly. What. Am I doing with my life?

Part of our plans were to quit our jobs and move to Atlanta together. Except that’s not really a plan. That’s just something to do because we’re friends.

Me? I was supposed to be working on my Before 30 List. And then that didn’t happen. I had something to complete by June 30th and somewhere around June 15th I realized it wasn’t going to get done. It wasn’t getting done partially because I was ill prepared (even though I spent all of May preparing), partially because my mind couldn’t get “there,” and then partially I think my fears got the best of me. Sometimes when I try to get in the right frame of mind to execute, my thoughts of fear consume me and then I’m freaking paralyzed.

Then I got distracted. The month of June was full of distractions. Oh how I wish I could divulge one of my major distractions here. Because it’s freaking epic. Totally-left-field, out-of-this-world distraction. Distractions I thought would never in a million years ever happen. It’s as if the universe is conspiring against me to make me as distracted as possible. I would care if I knew what it is I am supposed to be focused on. Usually I know I am on the right trail when the distractions come out full force like this. Except the distractions won this time. #Fail.

It’s as if apathy is getting the best of me. I don’t care about anything anymore. I used to care about the kids (but what about the kids?). I don’t. Not today. I think about quitting the Internets and moving to a small town in New Mexico for the rest of my life. The problem is my mother beat me to it and this is currently what she’s doing with her life. Darn it. I would try to work on getting myself one of those boyfriend-things that then turn into husband-things and then we have those children-things, except I have no idea how to go about doing this. There’s no checklist, or instructions. I’m good at following instructions. But a boyfriend? They just appear, it seems. All of a sudden you’re single and then the next moment you’re boo’d up somewhere. That’s how it always happens to me. This lack of control is getting the best of me.

And so here I am. Almost 2 am on a sweltering Manhattan summer night, listening to Tevin Campbell ask Can We Talk. Can we really talk, Tevin? Because I am trying to find the meaning of freaking life right now and it’s not materializing. Let’s talk about that.

Aight. I’m off to read the Bible or something like it. Gotta be some answers in there, no? I guess we’ll find out.

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